GETTING NAKED IN FRONT OF STRANGERS

Today, because it's all about being present (probably a fear of some sort), is a good day. So far. It could change of course as mostly things do. But never-the-less, I'm excited. There could be things on the horizon (there's a glimmer of such a thing anyway), something positive, green, hilly, a bit like a cereal packet. So when it arrives I'll be calm and collected. Like all good 'strong men', full of pride, able to 'give entirely'.

(But the truth is misleading, I can't continue with that point of focus, that path is trodden. worn. out of service please use other till.)

Next paragraph.
Am I distracted?
yes.
Is it a bad time to write?
When is a good time?
On the train.
But that's expensive.
No it isn't.
It is.
It's like a couple of quid what are you talking about?
Sorry I didn't realise.
What?!
Well I haven't done it for years!
...Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
No it's OK, we'll take it slow.

(Kissing ensues much to my disbelief, my disgust, my left elbow in your right ear.)

Do you believe in structure?
Like chaos and structure?
Could you not?
Well there's a chance.
what do you mean a chance?
Well, you know, nothings certain.
What kind of answer is that?
Why, don't you get it?
...Weh...of...what do you mean, what are you talking about you foolish man?
There's really no need to get defensive, I am only making a point to which you are intellectually unequipped to deal with, it isn't my fault.
You've got a nerve.
No I haven't.
What?
There you go again.
I'm sorry you've lost me.
Hmmm, that was predictable.
I'm sorry, what??
Well, it's always the same with you.
You're mad!
No, you're mad.
Pfff.
I thought you'd be the child, you've spoilt yet another family day out, you arsehole.

New paragraph. 

Thought I needed it.

It's nerves, you see. Big shots and the like listening in, peering through windows. But I need it. I don't know if that is a bad thing, plenty of people do. Famous people do. That's not enough obviously, I know that. And maybe the grimaces on the audiences faces in my head are real. Maybe I'm a big fat waste of time and should leave it well alone. And self doubt is an easy one. a pretty nosey neighbour. Holes all over my fence for crazy eyes to look through. And they do. All the time pretty much. So now It's real, now someone might answer back, I'm all shy.

come on, show daddy your handstand.
Come on daddy, look at his handstand, isn't he clever?!
Yes very clever dear.
Oh Richard, you're a right dick sometimes.
Yes dear.

(But I cant keep my hands off it. I've eaten the lot. Hard nutty ones an all. She could be anywhere with anyone doing something with them all and I wouldn't know)

Oh I'm really pissed now, that was my fucking Grandfathers!
I'm sorry.
No your fucking not!
No you're right I actually don't care, I never have.
I can't carry on like this.
It must end.
Must it?
I think so yes.
But really?
I know.
I...
...Me too.
We can't.
I think we have to, I don't think we have a choice.
This can't be it. I won't let you!
It's not that...
Well what is it then?
I don't know!
Ahhh, God!!!
Look, I'm sorry, I....
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Hey....
------

(Crying ensues. From both parties. Sometimes more from one than the other. And we're made to feel like that's always been the case and we forget the past. The past was there, It was real I'm sure of It. And now, I just haven't a clue. Where would it be possible...and I haven't committed, not a crime, not a thing. Nothing. I did nothing about it.)

But what would you have done?
I don't know. God I'm so sick of that word!
Look, come here, please.
----
It's OK.
No it isn't!!
Hey, come on, I'm just trying to offer some support.
I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Christ I'm sorry. But It won't feel like it. I deserve much more pain. Much more suffering. There's never enough suffering.
What a stupid thing to say! Sorry, not stupid. Not stupid, sorry, just, don't be silly...no! Sorry, not...oh God.

(So it could go on forever, and no one would want that. Things are so much better off for having an end, a vanishing point. But of the quality? How is it measured? Is there a particular thing I should do, some reference perhaps, a name, can styles be changed if they're aren't accepted, brain adjusted to meet others tastes, moulded to fit in the corresponding hole? End of.)

That's enough. get out of my life and look at yourself. Look hard. Read back the things I told you. I was good to you. I was there for you. Giving. Selflessly. I never asked for anything in return. It was just a look. What harm can a look do? It was the eye shadow wasn't it. Wasn't it!
Ah Christ.

(that's disappointing. If it continues along the same it will never get better. It's stuck. Fast and futile dragging dead limb half connected at the front never possibly never again destroyed motivation is a killer, perhaps, the wrong day.)

Thank you.